By Edelia J. Carthan, Ed.D.
Consultant | Writer | Professional Life Coach

PHOTO CREDIT: DR. JAY HOSTS RETREAT FOR THE CITY OF JACKSON AMERICORPS MEMBERS
This morning, instead of my usual motivational routine—listening to empowering speakers like Eric Thomas or Les Brown, or sermons by Dr. Creflo Dollar, Dr. Tony Evans, or Joyce Meyer—I found myself drawn to a video by Oprah Winfrey titled "5 Ways How Kindness Will Ruin Your Life." Her message deeply resonated with me, offering a fresh perspective on a topic many of us struggle with: the balance between kindness and self-care.
Oprah’s message is clear—we’re often taught to give endlessly, but rarely are we reminded to preserve ourselves in the process. It’s not selfish to put your needs first—it’s an act of self-respect. Without balance, kindness can deplete us, leading to b urnout, frustration, and even resentment.
When Kindness Turns Into Self-Neglect
Think about it: have you ever felt like you’re giving too much at work? In relationships? Are you constantly putting others before yourself, to the point where your own needs go unmet? Oprah’s words struck a deep chord for me. Kindness isn’t just about saying “yes” all the time—it's about knowing when to say “no.” When we constantly prioritize others without attending to our own well-being, that’s not kindness—it’s self-neglect.
As Dr. Edelia J. Carthan points out, "What good is your kindness if you're running on empty?" When you’re drained, you can’t show up as your best self. Your well-meaning actions lose their power, and your ability to truly help others diminishes.
Kindness Rooted in Self-Respect
Oprah advises us to "start saying no when you need to and draw lines where you’ve been giving too much." True kindness comes from a place of self-respect and knowing your limits. It’s about filling your own cup first, so you can give from a place of fullness, not exhaustion.
Quiana Head (now Holmes) explains this beautifully with her concept of "Cupology": “What’s in your cup is for you, and what flows out of your cup is for others. God’s cup is the only one big enough to pour. Let God do the heavy lifting. You just be the best version of yourself every day.” This analogy reminds us that we must nurture ourselves before we can effectively give to others.

Vanessa’s Story: When Giving Too Much Hurts
Take Vanessa’s story, for instance. She was always the one people turned to—at work, at home, among her friends. She gave without hesitation. But behind the scenes, Vanessa was running on empty. She was neglecting her own well-being, allowing her kindness to turn into self-sacrifice. Eventually, she hit a breaking point, realizing that her endless giving wasn’t sustainable. Vanessa’s story is a powerful reminder that we must protect our energy and set boundaries before we’re drained to the point of no return.
Practical Tips: Balancing Kindness and Self-Care
Set boundaries: Communicate your needs without guilt. Others won’t know your limits unless you express them.
Practice saying no: Saying no isn’t a rejection of others—it’s an affirmation of your own needs.
Fill your own cup first: Take care of yourself before giving to others, as Quiana Head advises.
Be clear, not defensive: Dr. Edelia J. Carthan suggests practicing how to express your needs with clarity and without an attitude, ensuring your message is heard.
Practice balance and self-care: Include daily routines that support your physical, mental, and emotional health, so you can give from a balanced place.
Call to Action: Empower Yourself by Setting Boundaries
Oprah’s call to action is simple but transformative: “Start saying no when you need to and watch how your life changes.” Balancing kindness with self-empowerment helps you grow, while teaching others how to treat you. We’re often raised to believe that giving endlessly is virtuous, but giving too much, without recharging ourselves, can leave us depleted.
So, reflect on this: Where are you losing yourself in the name of kindness? How can you start showing kindness to yourself first? By setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and redefining kindness as something rooted in self-respect, you can ensure that your giving is meaningful and sustainable.
Reflection Questions:
Where have you allowed your kindness to work against you?
Are there areas in your life where you give too much and don’t take enough time for yourself?
What specific boundaries do you need to set to protect your well-being?
How can you practice saying “no” in a way that feels empowering, not guilty?
What daily habits or self-care practices can you introduce to ensure your own cup is full before giving to others?
For more insights, check out the full Oprah Winfrey video here: 5 Ways How Kindness Will Ruin Your Life.

If you’re looking to explore these tools in more depth, we invite you to join Life Class for practical
guidance and The Healing Circle to work through any hurt, pain, or fear around setting boundaries.
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